It’s been two months since the last writing project update. At the time, I had reached that legendary 50k mark and was extremely happy about it. I felt energized and motivated by my plot, my characters and the journey they were on. I said it would be another 20k or so before I’d finish the first draft of Yellow Tails.
Well, on Friday I reached 70k. It was a triumph, yet another milestone reached. I still can’t believe I have over 170 pages of self-written fiction, that all of those pages are a part of one single story. But even though I wrote that 20k after hitting 50k as promised, I’m not done with the draft. I still have scenes to write. I’m at the climax point of the story at the moment so I’m getting there – but I still have at least 5,000 if not 8,000 words to go.
Funny enough, I said something similar in the beginning of November. I posted a photo on Instagram and in the caption explained that I have come as far as 64,000 words on my work-in-progress – and still have a good 10k to go. Well, I’ve almost written 10k after publishing that photo… and I still seem to have another 10k left.
(Maybe you’re already noticing the pattern here.)
My first draft might need only 5,000 words to be done. Or 8,000 words. Or maybe even 10,000. The thing is – I don’t know. I have no idea how many words it’ll take before I get there, until my first draft is done, finished. Although it’s frustrating, not knowing, I keep on writing and writing and writing in order to get closer to my goal every day. Not the word goal, because that ain’t holding no matter how much I try, but the goal of the end.
However, this lengthy writing process of mine has started to wear me down.
Oh, the doubts
As close to the ending as I am, there are some doubts in my head. Every time I’m waiting for Word to open my lengthy document to continue on my work-in-progress and as I’m writing, these thoughts come into my head:
Is my plot filled with holes? Have I described this or that enough to strengthen the storyline?
Do I have a structure in my story?
Are my characters strong enough? Will the readers love them as I hope they will?
Is my story powerful enough?
In essence: I wonder about the strength of my idea. I wonder if I’ll only find plot holes and incomplete thoughts in my first draft when I start editing after finally finish it. I think of who I will ask to be my beta-readers – and how I’ll take their feedback about my work. I worry, I doubt my skills and my creativity. It’s awful and unnecessary – but I can’t help it.
When I began writing Yellow Tails in March this year, none of these thoughts existed. Writing the story of an overweight cat was only about having fun and finding the discipline to write for 30 minutes every day. But as I’ve done this for a while now, the stakes are getting higher and the doubts in my head are getting more attention than they did before.
One of the worst things with these doubts is that they keep me from effectively striving for finishing my first draft. This is because I’m afraid of picking up my story after letting it rest for a few weeks only to find out that I have plot holes, non-existent structure and other weaknesses in my story.
I know I’m not alone with these thoughts. Any writer or creative person out there can probably relate to these feelings – they seem to be a part of the process, like built-in responses to any creative process that takes place. But that doesn’t make them any less real. This self-doubt, this fear of not being a good enough writer… it’s incredible how one can doubt herself this much. It’s as if I’m in that stage of a creative process of ’This is horrible / I’m horrible” as illustrated above.
However, I’m aware of the fact that it is possible to overcome and process these feelings. I just have to work on them and think them through, make myself realize that they are as true as they are false.
(The self-doubt might also be a side-effect of having had this writing project for nine months now. It sounds like pregnancy – and I feel that it’s time to get that baby out into the world.)
How To Deal With Fear
In order to aid my self-doubt and, well, the fear of finishing, I turned to Steven Pressfield to find some solace and empathy in my uncertainty. And for sure, he writes about Resistance and fear. This is what The War of Art says:
Are you paralyzed with fear? That’s a good sign.
Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do.
Remember our rule of thumb: The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.
He also writes that self-doubt can be a creative person’s best friend – ”an indicator of aspiration” that reflects one’s love for and desire to do the craft.
With these two in mind, I’ve been able to calm those doubtful feelings. Instead, I’ve been focusing my mind on the goal. I remind myself that I can’t be too far in the future worrying about editing and getting feedback for my novel when I don’t even have a first draft to worry about!
The other thing that has calmed my mind has been this reminder: When have I done something this big for myself? Have I ever been in on a lengthy project like this that is primarily only for myself?
The answer: never before.
And that’s something worth thinking of, isn’t it? I have been writing this novel mostly for myself and it’s been fun, fulfilling and energizing. It feels like I’ve never been this alive before and therefore this project has done me so much good already.
To hell with self-doubt and fear! I can’t stop now, simply because of a nagging self-doubting voice in the back of my head. The truth is, I would be insane to quit now! I have to finish the story!
A Writing Update
So, I’m getting there. I honestly have less than 10,000 words to go, this time for real, and the most important thing right now is simply to finish that first draft of Yellow Tails. I’m taking this process one step at a time instead of always being three steps ahead of the one that is happening right now.
This blog post is a writing update: 71k words, 173 pages, less than 10k left. I’m petrified, nervous and uncertain of many things, although most of them have to do with future parts of the project. But I’ll tell you when I’ve finished. I’ll share the moment with you when I have those last two words down: