In a way, it was one of the easiest decisions for me to make. However, once I had made the decision to quit my job, it was one of the hardest ones to keep.
It was day one – the introduction day. I got a two-hour introduction to how things work, how to use the programs, how the content was created, the principles, rules and so on. At noon, I met my boyfriend for lunch. But I was so tired and quite honestly such sad company to eat with that my boyfriend hoped we wouldn’t eat lunch together in the future – at least not on those days when I worked.
And he was so right. I knew I was miserable and I was only half-way through the first day. I was so tired, so foggy in my thoughts, that my response to him came out in tears. What a great first day, right?
The Feeling That Was There
On the third day I said I didn’t want to go to work. And already in the beginning of my second work week the thought of quitting my job became active.
I worked hard and tried my best to learn all the quirks of creating content for radio. But I wasn’t satisfied. My job felt worthless, a waste of time and I didn’t find joy in the soundbites I created. Day by day I felt more dissatisfied, more miserable, tired, out of energy. I wasn’t happy – far from it.
Somewhere someone said that he is ”happy to go to work and happy to go home”. I was happy to go home – but never when going to work. That became one of the main reasons for me quitting – how I felt about my job and going there.
Searching For An Explanation
But a feeling is just a feeling. To be able to live with my decision, I wanted to find something more rational. Something that made more factual sense than an emotion did. Maybe it even was a way for me to motivate the miserable feeling I was experiencing. So I did the following:
A classic +/- list
This is something I have done every now and then when I want to be really sure about what I am doing. So I put together a list of the good things and the bad things about my job. The result was two things on the positive side, thirteen on the negative side. One of the easiest math tasks I’ve done in a while.
Testing for HSP
I described my feelings about work for a friend over chat – how I continuously felt stressed, negative tired. How I saw nightmares about one of the colleagues and how I ended up at the work place only because I had to, so that I would get my internship done and be able to graduate in time. Her answer to me was a link to test if I was a HSP – a highly sensitive person.
I scored high. The next thing I did was to look up on Google ’suitable jobs for HSPs”.
I found this page and checked out the list of characteristics of a job a HSP should avoid. I’ve listed them below. Characteristics in bold are the ones that definitively describe my job and the ones in italic are the ones that describe it partly.
- Include a lot of confrontation
- Deal with people non-stop
- Are ”risky”
- Are primarily sales-focused and only about making money, and don’t jibe with your principles or interests
- Are strictly measured, timed, or controlled
- Are cutthroat or competitive
- Take place in a loud, hectic environment
- Are composed of ongoing, monotonous work, rather than discernible projects
- Consist of primarily collaborative group work versus individual work
- Include ”cold-calling”
This made me realize even more that I was in a completely wrong place.
I am a people-pleaser. Or I was – I am a recovering one. But for my whole life I have been the kind, reliable person who puts everyone else first and her own interests only after them.
I want to do what’s right – not from my perspective but from other’s.
When I was considering quitting my job I thought of how my parents would react, what my colleagues would think and what my teacher would say. I was afraid of letting down every one of them.
But while I was at work I managed to find some sort of rebel stage in my mind. I realized that I needed to do this for myself. For once, I needed to do what was right for me, from my perspective. And I didn’t need anyone else’s acceptance to do it.
Of course, it wasn’t as simple decision as that, but in the end, I pulled through. And that’s what matters the most.
4. Doing What I Really Want
A few weeks ago, a friend pointed out to me that I had derailed from the path towards my true dream career to pursue something more practical.
He had a point. When I was nine years old I wanted to become a published author (you can read more about it here). However, my parents wanted me to come up with a career that would give me financial security. So I chose to become a journalist, a profession where I would be able to write and have a steady income.
That decision led to other decisions, which finally resulted in me being horribly miserable at my current job. Ironically, it was the place and the job I had decided for in my childhood and worked towards most of my life.
I decided to trace back my decisions and return to the first one that was my own – become a published author. This felt more real and motivating than anything else in a long time. It also became one of the best reasons for me to quit my job.
I Am Here
This post is a proof on how sure and unsure I was about my decision. I found so many reasons for quitting and at the same time I was desperate to find more rational reasons for doing it. But I did it! Here I am, writing this, on a Friday morning when I usually would already be at work. I am filled with proudness and satisfaction over my decision, both of which are very rewarding.
But what about you, reader? What kind of decision-making process do you go through before making one? Or are you more spontaneous?